Goodbye cruel world. I say my farewell to a world, that I’d built in my mind, A Messier Universe, of Crappy Days.
I have been solely working on a long term comedy project for the last three months. Determined to get it finished, it was necessary to be cruel to myself by imposing various new methods to achieve my goal. Due to several aborted attempts from a mammoth task, I’ve been at holed away writing in near complete isolation, with no television, self imposed internet bans, and just an array of music to get me through. One day back in July, I sat down, with the intention of writing it from scratch off the top of my head, without my usual meticulous pre-planning that had derailed previous efforts.
I’ve enjoyed every minute, even though it was punishing at times throughout, with bouts of Insomnia from caffeine fuelled writing benders, great writing days, many bad ones hampered by writers block and the subsequent lows, the emotional yo-yo of feeling like a comedy genius one moment, to self doubting myself to the point of settling on the fact I’m deluded talentless fuckwit, Though the jury may still be out on that, but It is finally beginning to seem worth it. Throw in the dark days of deep depression, and borderline insanity, my gruelling new regime has finally got me to the precipice of my own personal Everest.
I finally finished my ‘epic’ Comedy Screenplay first draft. Hooray!
Forgive my exuberance, as technically it’s not finished. After three months of refusing to read it through, so not to tinker, I was able to finally read it back. On reading it all however, it ‘did’ fail to live up to my expectations. It’s not the massive pile of shit I though it would be.
After weeks of wondering, worry and critically self- doubting, I was braced for a severe disappointment, that would lead to my computer launched out of the window, and a meltdown.
As an intensely private individual, nobody except family and a couple of friends were aware of what I was working on with this project, and what it was about exactly. I have taken to WordPress to start a low key lacklustre gradual unveiling of what Messier Man – Crappy Days (which is still a working title) actually is about.
I had many ideas while writing, for other things, such as blogs for this ‘Stuology: The Blog’s Bollocks’ and short stories. At times I had to quell the urge to start them, which would have meant delaying work on my screenplay,
I’ll be posting blogs on Messier Man and other projects quite soon, as I will also be hoping for a little advice and feedback if possible, as so far I have worked entirely alone. After several failed attempts over the past couple of years, side-lining the project in favour of stand up comedy, gag writing, other mini projects, and procrastinating the hell out of it, it’s a relief to get to the end, which is a major milestone.”
Thank you for taking the time to read, apologies for such a boring, humourless, post.I’ll leave you with a tip that helped me to get my epic, finally complete. “Don’t get it right, get it written.”
MILD WARNING: These two images are rushed together (so shit) visualisations, for my own benefit more than anything. Creating a little artwork, that I happened to knock up in breaks from writing was a small reward for productive writing sessions. So apologies in advance.
These two images are rushed together (so shit) visualisations.
Stuology: The Blogs Bollocks is back, and this time I’m back for a good ol’ bollocking.
Who’s providing the bollocking? Well me of course.
Who am I bollocking and Why ? Myself, as I deserve it.
Have I lost the plot? Possibly.
Why Are You Asking Questions To Yourself? Fuck knows as I’m an Idiot, maybe its because I’m a loner and my own best friend.
Can You Stop This Shit and Just Get on with It? Yes.
THE BLOGS BOLLOCKS IS BACK…
….Though I never really went away. I’ve been very busy writing, so subsequently I had not been able to focus my attentions to blogging for quite a while, but after I had re-evaluated my priorities and undertaken a different method to writing I’m hoping to rectify this and have LOTS of blogs and updates in the near future. I have been writing a lot, and am hoping to possibly write myself into a writing career in Comedy or even just dead end job as a writer; as long as It’s writing I’ll be OK with that.
There are mitigating circumstances why I have not written for this blog, and plan to blog about some of these issues, and these are briefly:-
#1- Physical Health
I suffered a heart attack last year, due to Anxiety/Depression which subsequently added to my depression! At 36 Years Old, with reasonable fitness until last couple of years. I wouldn’t mind but I’m not even fat or overweight (I make this point as in an online MUFC forum, without seeing what I looked like, someone made an amusing remark to me, they said “I bet your a fat fuck!” haha) . I’m worried that I can drop dead any minute. So, if I did, I’d rather leave some of my musings for loved ones to read aft my passing rather than a blog not touched in a while.
#2- Mental Health
Like I said above, the depression got worse, but over time I’ve rekindled my love in writing.
#3- Writing Comedy
I write jokes whenever I can, and have recently been penning a Comedy Screenplay. The following blog will be describing this.
#4- Limited Internet Access
I used to get behind with the bills, so my internet has been cut off a number of times. The uncertainty of regular access means you don’t commit to blogs or social forums as much, as the knowledge that you will soon be cut off AGAIN has even more of a effect on my depression.
#5- Life and Shit
Life gets in the way doesn’t it, even when you are ostracised from society like me. When I do write too, I find myself wanting to post blogs on an epic scale that I have worked on for days. I still want to do that, but with little blogs about anything too.
SO WHY GET BACK INTO THE BLOG’S BOLLOCKS…
and What’s in it for myself, as the writer, but more importantly What’s in it for any (possible) reader?
The answer is Everything. I get to write a lot more, and the reader can be humoured, learn something about The Universe or just baffle at some of my Philosophies.
and this blog ‘finally ‘ gets some pieces on various topics other than comedy. Writing comedy at times can be hard, so I have found myself recently just writing ‘something’ to keep the flow of the tap running. like to write about life when I don’t feel lik me I have a funny in my body that day (even though anatomically I have two)
I’ve had plans to write blogs about the biggest questions in life (Such as; The Meaning of Life, Are We Alone and Does God exist) as well as my Stu Taylor’s Guide to the Galaxy style blogs about The Universe, Astronomy, UFO’s and Aliens etc…)
I started this Stuology The Blog’s Bollocks during a very difficult stage in my life (that I blogged about, but I can’t read back to myself) and writing became harder afterwards . The problem I initially had was, without many followers on Word Press I just got annoyed as I wanted my work to be seen, as feedback is vital when you live alone. Though now, the lack of followers doesn’t bother me (in fact, it will help as I want to write a lot about my personal life) but my priorities have since changed. Writing my comedy screenplay has been tough and arduous but over July 2013 going into August, my work has seen my work-rate increased, and writers get told to ‘keep’ writing no matter what, so this IS the perfect platform to keep writing, as even if I just write some shitty piece that is a blog like THIS! Or one about my day, killing house flies wondering where all the fucking house spiders fucked off to, its not like many people will see it… is it? No, Stu. So the Official Stuology Blog is back on the scene blogging, because of lots of good reasons but mainly….
I WANT TO PUBLISH AS MUCH OF MY WORK AS I CAN….BEFORE I DIE.
(Written in haste without a poof read! The next blog will not be as shoddy, as it is about my Upcoming Comedy Project that I’ve been writing)
Good Evening, I am The Astronomer…
For the last eighteen months, I have been travelling over 876 Million miles through Space, hurtling at a velocity of 67 108 Mph on a quest to finally bring back ‘The Lost Scriptures of Stuology’. A journey that has spanned a vast distance in an elliptical orbit around a single main sequence star, that is the heart of our Solar System. I however, am fortunate safe in the knowledge that I did not even have to leave the comfort of my own Observation Post at STU H.Q, here on The Planet Earth to achieve such an amazing feat.
I have witnessed during my travels the beauty of The Andromeda Galaxy, our closest Galactic neighbour that lies Approximately 2.5 Billion Light Years away, and The M81 Galaxy in Ursa Major (a.k.a. Big Dipper, or The Plough). I have also had the pleasure of being mesmerised by such galactic phenomenon such as The Crab Nebula in The Constellation of Taurus, The Ring Nebula in Lyra, in the constellation that is home to bright white star Vega that is 25.3 light years away, and now known to have exo-planets in its gravitational orbit. The greatest sight to behold any Astronomer, is surely the astounding elegance of the Planet Saturn with its glorious majestic rings system, it never fails to blow me away.
However, whilst seeing with my own eyes the light from distant galaxies, with their photons traversing millions if not billions of light years to finally settle in the retina of ‘my’ eyes is an astounding realisation not to mention, the most beautiful sights our very own Milky Way Spiral Galaxy has to offer. Mankind has developed to successfully be able to comprehend aswell as becoming, one of the vast array of components that makes up the very fabric of the Universe. The evolution of the Human Race, combined with the amount of knowledge we know about the Science and its Laws of Physics that govern our entire reality, should make each and every man and woman that has ever walked the Earth, extremely privileged to have been given the gift of life. The intelligence formed through around 200000 years of evolution, makes us the only life form we know so far, that can understand the world, yet ponder and comprehend the basics of The Cosmos that we are part of, and makes me realise how wonderful it is to be alive at this time in History.
However, gazing with fascination at some of the furthest reaches of the observable Universe, staring deep into the distant past, across many millions of Light Years, Dark Days have managed to take a hold of me, and will not relinquish its menacing tight grip. Immersed in its gloom that envelops me, its grasps me like a constant invisible cloud of deep, deep darkness… That is until the Astronomer’s long awaited return, to rightfully reclaim The Lost Scriptures of Stuology, and banish his dark nemesis once and for all…Hopefully.
To Be Continued….
The Astronomer and The Lost Scriptures of Stuology. (Part Two) to follow and explain all…
Watch This Space..and more importantly the one that hangs above our heads in night sky.
In Memory of Sir Patrick Moore R.I.P
Three weeks is a long time in the life of a comedy kamikaze pilot, as I ready up for the next long awaited mission. On a wing and a prayer I’m attempting even more death defying corkscrews and loop the loops onto the U.K comedy circuit without smashing into ground and bursting into a huge ball of flames.
Life on Planet Stu has been almost too perpelexing for words in the last few weeks, hence the following hopefully makes sense, if any at all. I’ve been busy painstakingly trying to reassembling my Jigsaw puzzle brain back together, though several pieces are missing, but they will turn up eventually when I start rooting down the sofa for cash or the TV remote for that ten minute midnight freeview.
Scandal here in Blighty meanwhile is rocking England like a Luftwaffe raid, as further revelations in the phone hacking story continue on a daily basis. The trials and tribulations of Rupert Murdoch and his empire has not only bugged everybody, but has mirrored another crumbling empire here back at STU H.Q. Whilst that media mogul was under the intense pressure of an ad-hoc cream pie of shaving foam being dropped rather than launched a his wrinkly old mush, he was able to sit in the comfort that his trophy wife would wrap her Gucci handbag round any more would be pranksters head, as he humbly imagined his 53,000 employees with his ‘Cash Rake’ brushing up piles of money like leaves on a Autumn day.
Meanwhile in the real world (loosely speaking) wrong uns’ like me have been going mental with a fund consisting of literally pennies, torquing myself to sleep as I screw my head back on after yet another momentary wobble. In a self imposed exile, other flawed mavericks such as Batman would even find it tough to cope (We used to share our problems when I’d call him on the Bat-phone, but the bastard always hangs up).
Thankfully my hair-brain ‘Stuology theory’ of humour and laughing in he face of adversity has helped last month after yet another epic crisis. I normally keep things private myself, but it will explain how ‘Stuology’ somehow helps with anxiety and depression by a thirst for knowledge , the ability to put on a comedy spin on things, and why I’m also a bit of an oddball.
I haven’t got round to starting writing my blogs on Aliens and UFO’s, Cosmology and especially been able to get my Theory of Anti-Gravity off the ground, as the only writing since the last blog is writing jokes. Whilst reconfiguring from a bout of ‘being miserable’ I have been combating it with writing jokes, studying and playing video games of Desert Strike, ToeJam and Earl and Afterburner on my Sega Megadrive emulator.
Crisis set in, after two fantastic years as a single Dad, my two daughters must have seen sense and ‘Vamooshed’ off to live with their Mum. The house just isn’t he same without them. My girls are out of this world …Though they aren’t like E.T as they never lifted a finger. I told them that one day we’d wake up to the house full of soldiers from the army… as it was always a mess. Teatime at 6pm isn’t the same without the three of us sat watching The Simpsons while eating Pot Noodles(Sometimes we’d even have one each). On top of that bombshell the hamster snuffed it within a week of being my only source of amusement (not like the Richard Gere way!) after turning the cage into a hamster allnight disco by hanging a Christmas bauble from the cage-roof. I was also only slightly into a Stuology psycho analysis of yet another species (along with Shaun Ryder the house spider) too.
The two events combined to seem like an almighty kick in the bollocks followed up by a loud arse ripping fart in the face.
The last four weeks have been bad, sad and mad but instead of the usual coping mechanism of say drink and drugs (just for example), I have found solice in turning a bad situation into a positive one. It has took a few weeks to sort out in my head when I wasn’t aimlessly rattling around the house and watching the skies as the only thing on my TV recently is a 3inch layer of dust. So today is the day I decided to get back gigging, back blogging and back digging my way out of this vacuous hole I’ve been in. After performing no gigs since late March and being too busy with the kids, which was a valid but easy excuse not to face the potential social suicide of stand-up comedy, it’s time to brave it, show some balls (at ladies evenings and church fete’s only) and get out there…starting with a gig next week I’ve lined up. More brain-farts blog’s to follow as as this was a bit of a rush job, (as if you can’t tell)….
Keep smiling and watch the skies.
Stuology is finally here, so sit down have a cup of tea, glass of Um Bongo, or last night’s dregs from a can of warm stale lager, anything and I’ll explain what the hell is going on! I’m breaking my radio silence by going out ‘Live’ here on the super-web, at mission control in the nerve centre here at STU H.Q. I’ve been busy pulling knobs, twisting levers, and bashing shiny buttons going bananas at the ‘Stuology Bonkers Brainfart Ideas Machine’, while the story of the creation of Stuology and what it’s evolving into still continues. Join me on my fantastic but perilous journey as an ‘Intergalactic Outlaw’ and local maverick in my calamitous life of one-liners, writing benders, stand-up comedy, Ufology and the frequent crisis or two. All this is hindered by just one obstacle that lies in my way, and a problem that is still is frowned upon like the bridge of my nose, even today.Welcome to Stuology: The Blog.
I’m Stu from England, I’m a humble one-liner joke writer,stand up comedian, a Cosmological philosopher, UFOologist and a more elusive figure nowadays, with only demons for company battling with depression, though…I don’t let it get me ‘down’, I leave that to the duck-pluckers. I try laugh in the face of adversity, using the one thing that has always helped me get me get through life and flush away all the shit bits,.. humour….toilet humour. The last twelve months has seemed to have thrown my life a curve ball and give it in a whole new perspective. I started writing my own jokes and ideas for my Facebook page and to send to Viz last year one random morning, and a year on, now have approx 4000+ jokes that I’ve penned. Friends noticed that they were actually funny, and I was urged to try my hand at Stand-Up, a venture I’d never even contemplated EVER doing. The first gig was so nerve-racking I didn’t sleep the night before, and was so full of fear I almost bottled it (but sweat wasn’t a good fragrance) thinking it would inevitably go tits up.
That day when I contacted the promoter to, to ask what time to arrive . I found out I wasn’t booked in, as I had only asked my friend a barman at the venue to sort the booking out for me, and I had forgot he had told me late on a Friday night, I had to ring to book it! I had to beg and plead until I was given a slot, as I was so eager to get out there. Luckily he caved in (without the need for one of my famous headlock holds!) and I had a couple of hours to prepare before a brisk power-walk into town.I arrived at the venue in my scruffy jeans and T-Shirt still trying to memorise the order of each joke. I got stared at straight away, and the knives were out straight away from a couple of sharp looking comics backstage in suits, as I had cut it fine arriving late. Equipped only with just a Tesco carrier bag full with scraps of paper with scribbled out set-lists, and many jokes, I fretted over which ones to use, oblivious that I looked more like I’d escaped my ward at the local psychiatric hospital, than a comic. I was a fish out of water, as I squirmed in an anxious frenzy waiting agonisingly for my imminent death that lay ahead on the stage.
I was up against several seasoned comics peppered from all around England, and the competition was fierce. I concentrated on just getting through the ordeal unscathed , as I didn’t have a chance to win the competition. I took to the stage nervously but my opening one-linera must have been about an empty bucket as it went down well. My nerves eased as the adrenaline was soon pumping as people were laughing, they were actually laughing at jokesthat I’d written’ which was such a buzz in my first ever gig. I fired one after another of my bullet one-liners shooting from the hip getting plenty of big laughs. After all eight acts the audience had a clap-off to decide the winner and I couldn’t believe it when realising I had only gone and won the bloody thing! My first ever gig too, I was almost embarrassed as I collected my trophy (above) and £30 prize money (not above) and headed into the town centre too piss the lot up the wall with my good friend Ben. Since that first gig last summer, I have performed a few gigs and received great praise in my one liners, and admiration from well respected comics.
I haven’t been able to gig as much I would have liked in the last year, through being a single father and bouts of depression, but all that’s about to change…very soon.
WHAT IS STUOLOGY?
Stuology is my Philosophy, and begins with Stu, which is lucky… as by coincidence it is my first name is too. Stuology isn’t a group or religion, which if you read the previous blog then you would know that I’m aethiest for Christ sake. I’m the only ‘member’ (that could mean penis, if you want it to), as Head of Stuology, Writer, Astro-Physics boffin, Astronomy egghead, Cleaner, and Tea Lady. I’m also in charge of the busy sub division maintaining supplies of the biscuits, the Monster Munch and Fab Ice Lollies. The Stuology idea manifested as I was naturally let things take shape, and it seemed to work in improving lots of aspects of my life in the last year. I didn’t want rush into things in stand-up, instead taking a little time to work things out so I wouldn’t be out of my depth or uncomfortable and I apply it to most aspects (e.g I’m writing a book, which is a novel idea) still. I let my new direction in of writing, comedy and studies patiently evolve so I am clearly sure what I want to do exactly, and so far it seems to be working.
As a normally impatient person, this was strange for me when I look back on it, as it was done with ease . What must have been an epiphany or revelation back in November, sparked a new found confidence and understanding, that clarified so much in a life thanks to a tentative approach to it all. Reflection on some jokes, or gigs over weeks and months helped though it created a small problem too. A huge backlogue of A4 writing pads, full of jokes and ideas aswell as files from my laptop remain still to be edited and committed to my personal hand written joke book volumes, an idea inspired from the late Bob Monkhouse.
Improvement in quality came by this method, without getting get swayed by positive opinion or overconfidence. I learnt that lesson straight away when I didn’t win again, performing in my second gig after winning in my first. I felt so crushed even though it was a close call and got very high praise indeed from fellow comics. One comic even likened me to Mitch Hedburg, but that wasn’t enough to stop how dejected I was feeling. In my eyes, not winning was a failure at the time, without realising I’d learned a valuable lesson from that experience and one day I’d be thankful for.
I have lived as a single dad with two girls for the past two years. Living in Cheshire, home of millionaire footballers and is the richest county in the England, where I choose to live on working class estate (though its financial constrictions,and not some deep-seated loyalty) , after taking custody of my daughters. I don’t succumb to the pitfalls and trappings of life on a shit hole estate, (though I did complain to the council), I keep myself to myself and don’t associate with the assorted pond life. Though they are abundant where I live, I have had my fair share of dealings with toothless, scruffy louts, That’s only when I’ve slipped into my old habits (those herbs are at a knock-down price sometimes). Most of these ‘chavs’ that just loiter outside local stores in gangs pestering for ‘a spare cig’, and boneheads that live nearby, don’t come near my house with me being a local maverick and a voice of the people. I always have a few choice words (along with a menacing glare) to say to the scum bags, in my role of a local loose cannon and housewives favourite. They swear so much I once asked one if they all had tourettes, and their response proved they did. Another one edged right up in my face shouting and hurling abuse trying to point out to his audience of onlooking friends, that I’m no hard man and he was much harder than me. I wasn’t, but found it surprising he found me attractive as I though he had a boyfriend judging by the stench of semen and cock on his breath.
When I’m not locked in social wrangles the local youths, the spare time I have from my usual activities and avoiding housework, I play video games on my Xbox 360 as I have 200+ games (yo ho ho and a bottle of rum versions) and enjoy sports (as long as it is football) and music. I rarely watch television these days, as hours of mind numbing reality TV just to fill up the day, is about as useful as those disabled parking spaces at the Gym.
Although I shun going out too an extent, when I do, it is with my greatest ally and friend from a very talented band (‘shameless plug alert’, I know I really should refuse) ‘The Ambersons’ and a night out turns into a mindmelting long weekend. I am indebted to his words wisdom, as he is totally focused on the development of the ‘big picture’ to his album without letting negatives become a problem. Writing is also in part inspired by my songwriting pal Ben and his way of working and experience. He is also the only one that knows Stuology mentally through his Benistics dept.of our dual brain-trust outfit The Borg, two minds working as one entity.
COPE OR CRACK UP?
It may seems a preposterously strange cocktail to be writing and performing comedy with the health issues I suffer, as depression is no laughing matter (as well my jokes, some might add). The fact is it’s been constant for so long now, I learn to live with it and get on with things otherwise I’d crack up. Writing has been a welcome remedy for it too, and now I embrace and almost thrive on the cataclysmic chaos hat sometims goes on in my head. I enjoy performing, but anxiety/depression caused by domestic problems in life has not exactly helped in my fear of getting on stage, far removed from my comfort zone
I’m often spinning plates at HQ as I have so much I need to work on, and still study (not photograph analysing) further. It has been a cliché’ rollercoaster of a ride, as I have slowly been falling to bits after a few breakdowns and go off the rails now and again. I’ve been taken for a ride so many times now that I don’t let anyone on these days, mainly due to lack of reliability leading to inevitable disappointment.
THE UNIVERSE, UFOs and ALIENS
In the Cosmology section I’ll be taking it serious, as I’m banging on about aliens, UFO’s, Time Travel, Quantum physics,Reality, Parallel Dimensions etc. I am however an intellectual, and not squeezing out whimsical posts on such matters first without gaining the knowledge to write on such matters. I’m not sat waiting in my tinfoil hat waiting for ‘The mothership to collect me’ after contact with my makeshift satellite fashioned from a wok, and Game boy Advance taped to an Alba wireless radio either.
It’s mind-boggling getting down to some of life’s big questions. I will be publishing my findings through my study of Astronomy, Astrophysics, Philosophy so I can back it up with facts and figures, and it won’t be too scientific. I’ll be posing big questions like…
Are We Alone in the universe? …Yes, well I am I’m agoraphobic.
Is The Universe infinite, If so what if you could fly through hyperspace, would it go on and on forever (And I don’t mean ‘going on’ as nagging ex-wives do)?
ALIENS. If most people saw a little green man… Why it would make them cross?
UFO’s are they pie in the sky? …or is it the tin trays from the pie they’ve thrown to make a crappy hoax YouTube video.
WHY I’M BLOGGING.
This blog was devised months ago, but I have been busy with a couple of big jobs in the pipeline though not as big as three ‘jobbies’ of bumbusting shits the size nuclear submarines that lie shipwrecked on and around my toilet U-bend. I’ve been holed up at The Nerve Centre at Stu HQ making plans, so I’ll throw down some of these musings and hopefully it will metamorphosise into something that is kind of organised, worth reading and provide a little humour. Any feedback would be appreciated as I’m new round here and a virgin when it comes to blogging. I have never even penned a diary properly, unless I count the Xmas stocking filler 1989 diary when I was 12yrs old that I backed in awful 1980’s wallpaper. I’d only write football team formation and line-ups, shoddy designs for spacecraft that I would write a piss poor story round to accomodate i tand not to mention the complimentary artwork thrown in for a cheap laugh by every male, the good old gratuitous (often spunking) cock and balls.
WARNING: This Blog may contain some language and scenes of a sexual nature viewers may find offensive, as well as bad jokes (I am making most up as I go along) adult humour and with the odd misspelt word if I don’t poof read properly that will have the Grammar Nazi’s seething!
Hope you enjoyed Stuology: The Blog Bollocks first blog….here’s a quick reminder of what’s going right here…
Comedy (One-liners, Humorous Insight, Top Tips and general brainfart ramblings)
Modern Life (News, Football, TV, Music, Technology)
Personal bio (My Life, Stuology,Mental Health, Stand Up)
The Universe (Astronomy, Astro-Physics, Philosophy,)
UFO’s and Aliens (Scientific analysis, Theories, )
Stay Safe and Watch the Skies…Stu.