Stuology is finally here, so sit down have a cup of tea, glass of Um Bongo, or last night’s dregs from a can of warm stale lager, anything and I’ll explain what the hell is going on! I’m breaking my radio silence by going out ‘Live’ here on the super-web, at mission control in the nerve centre here at STU H.Q. I’ve been busy pulling knobs, twisting levers, and bashing shiny buttons going bananas at the ‘Stuology Bonkers Brainfart Ideas Machine’, while the story of the creation of Stuology and what it’s evolving into still continues. Join me on my fantastic but perilous journey as an ‘Intergalactic Outlaw’ and local maverick in my calamitous life of one-liners, writing benders, stand-up comedy, Ufology and the frequent crisis or two. All this is hindered by just one obstacle that lies in my way, and a problem that is still is frowned upon like the bridge of my nose, even today.Welcome to Stuology: The Blog.
I’m Stu from England, I’m a humble one-liner joke writer,stand up comedian, a Cosmological philosopher, UFOologist and a more elusive figure nowadays, with only demons for company battling with depression, though…I don’t let it get me ‘down’, I leave that to the duck-pluckers. I try laugh in the face of adversity, using the one thing that has always helped me get me get through life and flush away all the shit bits,.. humour….toilet humour. The last twelve months has seemed to have thrown my life a curve ball and give it in a whole new perspective. I started writing my own jokes and ideas for my Facebook page and to send to Viz last year one random morning, and a year on, now have approx 4000+ jokes that I’ve penned. Friends noticed that they were actually funny, and I was urged to try my hand at Stand-Up, a venture I’d never even contemplated EVER doing. The first gig was so nerve-racking I didn’t sleep the night before, and was so full of fear I almost bottled it (but sweat wasn’t a good fragrance) thinking it would inevitably go tits up.
“My first night as a bingo caller was a disaster.. I didn’t have the balls to do it”
That day when I contacted the promoter to, to ask what time to arrive . I found out I wasn’t booked in, as I had only asked my friend a barman at the venue to sort the booking out for me, and I had forgot he had told me late on a Friday night, I had to ring to book it! I had to beg and plead until I was given a slot, as I was so eager to get out there. Luckily he caved in (without the need for one of my famous headlock holds!) and I had a couple of hours to prepare before a brisk power-walk into town.I arrived at the venue in my scruffy jeans and T-Shirt still trying to memorise the order of each joke. I got stared at straight away, and the knives were out straight away from a couple of sharp looking comics backstage in suits, as I had cut it fine arriving late. Equipped only with just a Tesco carrier bag full with scraps of paper with scribbled out set-lists, and many jokes, I fretted over which ones to use, oblivious that I looked more like I’d escaped my ward at the local psychiatric hospital, than a comic. I was a fish out of water, as I squirmed in an anxious frenzy waiting agonisingly for my imminent death that lay ahead on the stage.
I was up against several seasoned comics peppered from all around England, and the competition was fierce. I concentrated on just getting through the ordeal unscathed , as I didn’t have a chance to win the competition. I took to the stage nervously but my opening one-linera must have been about an empty bucket as it went down well. My nerves eased as the adrenaline was soon pumping as people were laughing, they were actually laughing at jokesthat I’d written’ which was such a buzz in my first ever gig. I fired one after another of my bullet one-liners shooting from the hip getting plenty of big laughs. After all eight acts the audience had a clap-off to decide the winner and I couldn’t believe it when realising I had only gone and won the bloody thing! My first ever gig too, I was almost embarrassed as I collected my trophy (above) and £30 prize money (not above) and headed into the town centre too piss the lot up the wall with my good friend Ben. Since that first gig last summer, I have performed a few gigs and received great praise in my one liners, and admiration from well respected comics.
I haven’t been able to gig as much I would have liked in the last year, through being a single father and bouts of depression, but all that’s about to change…very soon.
WHAT IS STUOLOGY?
Stuology is my Philosophy, and begins with Stu, which is lucky… as by coincidence it is my first name is too. Stuology isn’t a group or religion, which if you read the previous blog then you would know that I’m aethiest for Christ sake. I’m the only ‘member’ (that could mean penis, if you want it to), as Head of Stuology, Writer, Astro-Physics boffin, Astronomy egghead, Cleaner, and Tea Lady. I’m also in charge of the busy sub division maintaining supplies of the biscuits, the Monster Munch and Fab Ice Lollies. The Stuology idea manifested as I was naturally let things take shape, and it seemed to work in improving lots of aspects of my life in the last year. I didn’t want rush into things in stand-up, instead taking a little time to work things out so I wouldn’t be out of my depth or uncomfortable and I apply it to most aspects (e.g I’m writing a book, which is a novel idea) still. I let my new direction in of writing, comedy and studies patiently evolve so I am clearly sure what I want to do exactly, and so far it seems to be working.
As a normally impatient person, this was strange for me when I look back on it, as it was done with ease . What must have been an epiphany or revelation back in November, sparked a new found confidence and understanding, that clarified so much in a life thanks to a tentative approach to it all. Reflection on some jokes, or gigs over weeks and months helped though it created a small problem too. A huge backlogue of A4 writing pads, full of jokes and ideas aswell as files from my laptop remain still to be edited and committed to my personal hand written joke book volumes, an idea inspired from the late Bob Monkhouse.
Improvement in quality came by this method, without getting get swayed by positive opinion or overconfidence. I learnt that lesson straight away when I didn’t win again, performing in my second gig after winning in my first. I felt so crushed even though it was a close call and got very high praise indeed from fellow comics. One comic even likened me to Mitch Hedburg, but that wasn’t enough to stop how dejected I was feeling. In my eyes, not winning was a failure at the time, without realising I’d learned a valuable lesson from that experience and one day I’d be thankful for.
I have lived as a single dad with two girls for the past two years. Living in Cheshire, home of millionaire footballers and is the richest county in the England, where I choose to live on working class estate (though its financial constrictions,and not some deep-seated loyalty) , after taking custody of my daughters. I don’t succumb to the pitfalls and trappings of life on a shit hole estate, (though I did complain to the council), I keep myself to myself and don’t associate with the assorted pond life. Though they are abundant where I live, I have had my fair share of dealings with toothless, scruffy louts, That’s only when I’ve slipped into my old habits (those herbs are at a knock-down price sometimes). Most of these ‘chavs’ that just loiter outside local stores in gangs pestering for ‘a spare cig’, and boneheads that live nearby, don’t come near my house with me being a local maverick and a voice of the people. I always have a few choice words (along with a menacing glare) to say to the scum bags, in my role of a local loose cannon and housewives favourite. They swear so much I once asked one if they all had tourettes, and their response proved they did. Another one edged right up in my face shouting and hurling abuse trying to point out to his audience of onlooking friends, that I’m no hard man and he was much harder than me. I wasn’t, but found it surprising he found me attractive as I though he had a boyfriend judging by the stench of semen and cock on his breath.
When I’m not locked in social wrangles the local youths, the spare time I have from my usual activities and avoiding housework, I play video games on my Xbox 360 as I have 200+ games (yo ho ho and a bottle of rum versions) and enjoy sports (as long as it is football) and music. I rarely watch television these days, as hours of mind numbing reality TV just to fill up the day, is about as useful as those disabled parking spaces at the Gym.
Although I shun going out too an extent, when I do, it is with my greatest ally and friend from a very talented band (‘shameless plug alert’, I know I really should refuse) ‘The Ambersons’ and a night out turns into a mindmelting long weekend. I am indebted to his words wisdom, as he is totally focused on the development of the ‘big picture’ to his album without letting negatives become a problem. Writing is also in part inspired by my songwriting pal Ben and his way of working and experience. He is also the only one that knows Stuology mentally through his Benistics dept.of our dual brain-trust outfit The Borg, two minds working as one entity.
COPE OR CRACK UP?
It may seems a preposterously strange cocktail to be writing and performing comedy with the health issues I suffer, as depression is no laughing matter (as well my jokes, some might add). The fact is it’s been constant for so long now, I learn to live with it and get on with things otherwise I’d crack up. Writing has been a welcome remedy for it too, and now I embrace and almost thrive on the cataclysmic chaos hat sometims goes on in my head. I enjoy performing, but anxiety/depression caused by domestic problems in life has not exactly helped in my fear of getting on stage, far removed from my comfort zone
I’m often spinning plates at HQ as I have so much I need to work on, and still study (not photograph analysing) further. It has been a cliché’ rollercoaster of a ride, as I have slowly been falling to bits after a few breakdowns and go off the rails now and again. I’ve been taken for a ride so many times now that I don’t let anyone on these days, mainly due to lack of reliability leading to inevitable disappointment.
THE UNIVERSE, UFOs and ALIENS
In the Cosmology section I’ll be taking it serious, as I’m banging on about aliens, UFO’s, Time Travel, Quantum physics,Reality, Parallel Dimensions etc. I am however an intellectual, and not squeezing out whimsical posts on such matters first without gaining the knowledge to write on such matters. I’m not sat waiting in my tinfoil hat waiting for ‘The mothership to collect me’ after contact with my makeshift satellite fashioned from a wok, and Game boy Advance taped to an Alba wireless radio either.
It’s mind-boggling getting down to some of life’s big questions. I will be publishing my findings through my study of Astronomy, Astrophysics, Philosophy so I can back it up with facts and figures, and it won’t be too scientific. I’ll be posing big questions like…
Are We Alone in the universe? …Yes, well I am I’m agoraphobic.
Is The Universe infinite, If so what if you could fly through hyperspace, would it go on and on forever (And I don’t mean ‘going on’ as nagging ex-wives do)?
ALIENS. If most people saw a little green man… Why it would make them cross?
UFO’s are they pie in the sky? …or is it the tin trays from the pie they’ve thrown to make a crappy hoax YouTube video.
WHY I’M BLOGGING.
This blog was devised months ago, but I have been busy with a couple of big jobs in the pipeline though not as big as three ‘jobbies’ of bumbusting shits the size nuclear submarines that lie shipwrecked on and around my toilet U-bend. I’ve been holed up at The Nerve Centre at Stu HQ making plans, so I’ll throw down some of these musings and hopefully it will metamorphosise into something that is kind of organised, worth reading and provide a little humour. Any feedback would be appreciated as I’m new round here and a virgin when it comes to blogging. I have never even penned a diary properly, unless I count the Xmas stocking filler 1989 diary when I was 12yrs old that I backed in awful 1980’s wallpaper. I’d only write football team formation and line-ups, shoddy designs for spacecraft that I would write a piss poor story round to accomodate i tand not to mention the complimentary artwork thrown in for a cheap laugh by every male, the good old gratuitous (often spunking) cock and balls.
WARNING: This Blog may contain some language and scenes of a sexual nature viewers may find offensive, as well as bad jokes (I am making most up as I go along) adult humour and with the odd misspelt word if I don’t poof read properly that will have the Grammar Nazi’s seething!
Hope you enjoyed Stuology: The Blog Bollocks first blog….here’s a quick reminder of what’s going right here…
Comedy (One-liners, Humorous Insight, Top Tips and general brainfart ramblings)
Modern Life (News, Football, TV, Music, Technology)
Personal bio (My Life, Stuology,Mental Health, Stand Up)
The Universe (Astronomy, Astro-Physics, Philosophy,)
UFO’s and Aliens (Scientific analysis, Theories, )
Stay Safe and Watch the Skies…Stu.